Dateline: September 19 2014

Today I’m offering a glimpse of the future…What will happen on the morning of September 19, 2014? This version is written by a guest columnist, Simon Heffer* of the Daily Mail and is in the style of him filing his copy after Scotland voted No. 

SCOTS CHICKEN OUT WITH NO VOTE…PREPARE FOR THE BILL, ENGLAND

It came as no surprise to those of us accustomed to the bellicose bluster of our northern neighbours to find that when it came to rising – I paraphrase from the SNP  Book of  National Oppression – from their knees and standing on their own two feet on the world stage, the Scots opted instead to remain in the supplicant pose, praying for English charity.

The blue and white flags hung limply in the drizzle around gloomy Edinburgh as still-Unionist citizens also kept their heads down as if scurrying away in shame.

How could a mighty world state like Britain have expended so much of its world-class intellect and resources on such a tawdry exercise? When our great nation needed a total focus on economic growth to reverse the catastrophic impact of Labour incompetence, we were instead forced to fight on two fronts by the narrow self-interest of an unsavoury cabal of nationalist extremists, socialist agitators and actors.

That the pantomime pretence at sovereignty was crushed with humiliating ease can hardly come as a surprise. It has been evident from the moment the overwhelming forces of the Union gathered themselves for the fight that Salmond’s insurgents would fall like the Jacobite hoards at Culloden…outwitted, overpowered and put firmly in their place. The task now is to follow the example of Cumberland and execute a programme of cleansing from which there can be no return so that the dangerous creed of so-called Scottish nationalism is legally curtailed forever.

Those who wish to break up this country – the SNP, the IRA and the Welsh extremists – must now be outlawed as anti-social, disruptive elements just as jihadists are. There may be no overt violence in the Scottish movement but inciting others to agitate against the state, to disrupt economic recovery and to hijack the lives of decent people for a political aim is a form of violence. It is seen as such by those vast numbers of fair-minded and tolerant English men and women whose only “nationalism” was to stand firm against the Blitz and to cheer heartily for competitors of all colours in the Olympics. They have had enough of the petty, grasping and opportunistic secessionists who stain our nation with their resentment.

For make no mistake, it is those same men and women of England who pay for these celtic rabble-rousers with their massive taxpayer subsidies. Why should they not say: “We will subsidise your unhealthy addicted lives but only if you accept your subservient role in our society and refrain from trying to break up Britain with your expensive and futile claims to statehood. Decent Unionist Scots must isolate and cast aside the nationalists otherwise the blood transfusion of payments will stop.”

The English have had enough of the hate and Anglophobia. They cannot understand how those who have benefitted so much from their largesse could turn against them. As they prepare for the next bill to arrive, they must demand an end to political agitation as their price for coughing up yet again.

There are deeper cuts still to come to reduce the deficit and now that the faint spectre of separation has been lifted, the way is clear to demonstrate that there is no never-ending lifeline of cash. Budget cuts should fall most heavily on those most reluctant to pay and with their constant complaint and whining, the Scots have made themselves the target for reciprocal treatment. Spending increases should be tied to targets being met, for example in health. If drug addiction and obesity numbers don’t fall, then the budget allocation should stall until they do.

Unless Salmond’s grotesque administration falls in line with sensible spending priorities, he will have nothing to spend unless he puts up taxes. We should insist for example that tuition fees are introduced immediately to create a level playing field.  Free personal care and concessionary travel are bribes that ought to be cast aside.

While the world turns away and shakes its head at the punctured balloon of the Nation Afraid of Itself – even Southern Sudan voted Yes – the patience of the English nation has run out.

They might find in themselves a degree of pity for a people so confused by history, led mute into self-aggrandizing dreams by the unscrupulous, and today so utterly beaten that they are the laughing stock of civilised people everywhere. The history of the Scots tribe is littered with such disasters as they tried to emulate their southern betters or to defeat them in commerce and in war.

Surely, at last, the fantasy of nationhood will end and they can accept their seat round the table as a friendly but dependent partner in our great United Kingdom. An acknowledgment of English pre-eminence is a small price to pay for such acceptance and for such material benefit. As a sop they can keep their separate football and rugby teams whose performances are an accurate reflection of their country’s true worth.

So, the game is up and the old order triumphantly restored. And still the English prepare to pay up.

*As told to Derek Bateman Broadcaster