I’ve been sitting by the phone all afternoon…and nothing, not a single call, not even a wrong number, not even Dave reminding me about Mo Farah. I haven’t even had the money spivs from Canary Wharf who call once week to see if I want to invest in an eco hotel in Camden. Does nobody in Englandshire love me? Am I to take it that Dave’s rally call has been met with silence? Am I to be jilted, left to wander off into the twilight world of separation without so much as a word of regret, no blown kiss, no hearty: “Come here, mate, gimme a hug for auld lang zyne, ya mad Jock bastard…remember how we beat the Hun, old son? I reckon it was your bleedin bagpipes chased ‘em off…my missus, she don’ ‘alf like your Chris Hoy’s glistening thighs…”
So, chin on chest, I’ve come to record for posterity my gut-wrenching disappointment that nobody down there loves me – not even my own bloody family!
Mind you I’m not surprised after the doing Salmond gave to Ed Stourton on WATO. He walloped him all over the park and rather put me out by bringing up the very point I had planned to make in the blog this afternoon – that this week Cameron’s job isn’t Scotland at all. Devon and Cornwall are suffering another battering after weeks of flooding and people are in despair while the authorities haggle, money is promised too late, the army turns up without a brief and no one knows how to stop it happening again. A real Prime Minister wouldn’t have been standing in the Olympic Park addressing the Scottish Question, he should have been in his wellies organising the rescue. His antennae are useless, a point I made weeks ago. This guy isn’t very good. He’s like Blair, an actor prince, full of bravado and bullshit who thinks being a well-connected nob is all you need and so far it has been. But getting there is one thing, staying there and making it work is quite another. Ask yourself how Salmond has done it all these years and is still pulling the strings in Edinburgh and London.
Dave is going to lose his No-Salmond-Debate gambit. Nobody buys it, not even his own side and as the polls tighten further the pressure will become unbearable especially now we know Salmond is ready to debate with Darling or anybody else so long as he gets Cameron up first. (Please, please the grammar is …debate with…not Salmond debates Cameron…that’s American trash talk and is not allowed on this site. All posts missing the preposition will be blocked…)
I’m wondering now if this week was set aside for an assault, a bit like D-Day. Oops, sorry we were all on the same side then. I reckon you’d have to give a couple of weeks notice at least to hire the Olympic venue even if you’re Downing Street. And if I think back we had our BP oil man afraid of staying in Aberdeen after Separation Day, blast after blast of ludicrous warnings from the likes of Vince and Sainsbury’s said again our chicken nuggets will go up. If it was coordinated, it means BP became an agent of government and engaged in party politics which is probably against their rules but then remember the chairman of BP was in the tent when Blair signed the Deal in the Desert with Gaddafi and tried to offload Megrahi in a prisoner transfer agreement to get the oil contract. And I forget how many of New Labour’s little darlings went straight over to jobs in BP.
And, you know, it hasn’t worked. I detect a change in the wind and once the London elitists in the media realise that Salmond is talking sense on the economy and just how hard it will hit England if we go, it will get harder for them to mount sustained attacks. Also, if they love us so much, why are they threatening us? Shouldn’t they be promising to share the currency for friendship’s sake and offering to back us all the way in Brussels? Maybe I misunderstand the nature of friends and family.
It has been an abiding aspect of my 45 years in journalism that you can’t interest an Englishman in our affairs. We started on this latest journey in the mid and late 80’s with the constitutional convention. Barely an English commentator noticed. They remained ignorant right up the point of devolution when they realised it would impact on them and then got animated for a while. I interviewed Peter Riddell of the Times who was strong on the idea that England should follow our story and have a say in the reform of Britain. I said you are interested but the English don’t care what happens in Scotland, they’ve had at least 20 years to catch up and they don’t. His reply was: “You’re absolutely right but it’s not good enough.”
And where were the Tessa Jowells when the Scottish committees at Westminster were stuffed with English Tories because they didn’t have enough in Scotland? Nowhere and silent with it. Wasn’t it Tessa who diverted funding from Scotland to pay for the Olympics?
Hang on, that’s the phone!
Damn, it was Hardeep the laundry man bringing back my shirts. I got him to say he loved me…